Burned Alive after Death

    After stopped taking the pill for 3 months, Paranoia came back. I started thinking of there were many people watching me. I've been monitored. No matter what I do, there were people knowing it. As I started painting again in my studio, they set up some gears in that room and watched me online.

    Yup, I am crazy I guess.

    This was not the first time I am having this kind of thoughts. It started right back in Vancouver and by that time, I drank a lot. One night, 2 police officers sent me to a mental hospital after I made loud noise on my balcony and thrown a vine bottle off on street.

    Yes, I must be crazy I am sure.

    Few weeks ago, my ex noticed I sigh a lot and she must started worrying. I didnt tell her and her family I decided to start painting again. And I didnt want her family to know that I’m about to run a small business and quit my job. All these must let her and her family think that I dont treat her family as my own family. She might tell her family that I have uncertain psychosis（result from a Psychiatrist）, possibly Schizophrenia or bipolar disorder(I think what I have). And her family decided to stop our relationship. This was totally understandable.

    As a sick man, I should tell the situation right at the beginning.

    Fighting with all the delusions is exhausting. I became super sensitive to sound, signs on people's cloth or belongings, or whatever happening around me. I recognized those are signals from unknown people. They talked to me by this subtle way. They will never talk face to face cause this was kind a rule of the game. I dont really like it and I rebel, by hurting myself. Whenever I think they might tell me not to do things so I burned myself by using cigarettes butt. I burned 3 holes on left arm and cut 4 slides. Comparing with the annoying constant crazy thoughts, this kind of pain was nothing.

I thought I already dead after I know I possibly have schizophrenia. The thing I’ve not prepared for is this will last forever.

    The thing kept me alive is sort of my righteous thoughts. I believe they are helping me. All the good or bad were initialed by kindness. Even if I dont like what I got, I might at least tolerate it.

    Real or paranoia, in fact or delusion, I can not distinguish. Sometimes I think I know whats going on, sometimes I started to doubt. Right now, I am alone in dark. What really is happening? The feeling is somewhere in-between, in the middle of nowhere.

    I am in a somehow stable condition and doing my own thing. I intended to write this down in English cause I am not ready to face on everybody knows I have certain problems. If you take the time and read the whole thing and got the idea, let’s keep it under the hood.